A journal entry from 9.12.10.
preface: i was working through feeling betrayed by the Lord and alone in this move. I know that He will never leave me, lie to me, or hurt me. But i know He allows these crazy circumstances because He knows my true desire is to be refined, healed, and to grow in Him. To be like Jesus. We can't [and won't] magically just be like Him... it requires walking through the fire of difficulty/challenge/trial. That's where I'm at [and have been for a few years]. Though it currently feels like i'm in a 1/3 life crisis, i KNOW that i am not alone, and am in a safe place to work through the issues in my heart that the Lord is so faithfully [and sometimes annoyingly] bringing up in me. So, this following journal entry comes from the place of deep pain that i needed to work though, that actually brought up other things that i need to process through and heal from. Funny how that works. :)
*****
The sun shining on my skin reminds me of better things.
Like when i knew myself and my dreams.
The wind i my hair reminds me of better days.
Like when i wasn't in this maze.
This maze of emotional turmoil and confusion.
These days are riddled with sadness and the awful [and untrue]sense that i've been betrayed by the One who said He'd never leave.
My head knows the truth but my heart got so hurt in trusting that everything is now sen through a broken heart that is thrashing and thrusting and pushing away
The very LOVE it craves.
"It's too painful" i hear my heart say.
"It's too painful to give my heart away."
See, i truly desire to be free in love- free & healed.
but my heart can't yet see past this wound that's been revealed.
What happened to the strength i knew?
What happened to the hope i knew?
They've been put out of view by this hurt in my heart.
The sun shining on my skin reminds me of better things-
Of times when i had wings.
Wings that brought me to the place of strength.
But now it seems that those wings have been clipped and are now a shorter length.
The flight i was accustomed to has become but a memory.
Have i already lived the best of my life?
Have i really given all i have to give?
That seems and impossible thought
But i can feel it trying to be true.
The wind in my hair reminds me of better days.
Like when i wasn't in this haze.
It's not been long
But it's been deep.
I know the One who is faithful to save me from this pit.
But how long must i weep?
Come One & only God.
Won't You come and save me?
*****
That's been the past month for me. But i'm glad to say that even though i don't understand some things that happened, i have total peace in this process. I've gotten through/over some of what was hurting.
I desire to grow and be the best me i can be. That only comes with pursuing the Lord with all my heart and being willing to work through my issues. Not easy. But good.
Have you ever felt hurt/forgotten by God? How has your heart healed from that time? I'd love to know your thoughts.
-Linds
